Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Burnout: A discussion

I spent all of May, June, July, and August obsessing about getting into McGill and making the move for my oboe career.  I am now doubting the whole thing and the feeling is coming from so many directions.

1)  List jobs for an oboist and keep in mind that an oboe teacher does not have nearly the amount of students that a piano teacher has.
2)  I love orchestra!  Wait:  orchestras are folding all over the world.  And politically and economically, they should because if an orchestra can't sustain itself, it shouldn't be in existence.
3)  I love orchestra!  I have to beat out five billion oboists, many of whom are better than me.  Case-in-point, here at McGill.  I auditioned at the level of a junior in college.
4)  Continuation:  at BGSU I was awesome, at Madison I was awesome, at a conservatory, I am not awesome.  Universities are self-sustaining, ego bloating, tax-sucking institutions that have screwed my mind (and many others's) to thinking that I can actually do what I want to do.
5)  I feel too old to still be in school.  If I would have done my undergrad in four years, I could be done with my masters degree last May.
6)  Joel has a house and a job and is productive to society.
7)  My career ambitions have no positive impact to our nation's economy.
8)  Canada (rather the nation of Quebec) is a socialist hell-hole.
8.5)  I miss my nice apartment in Bowling Green.
9)  I love playing oboe, but I think of all the money that was wasted on conferences, supplies, gadgets, travelling, auditioning, and what not.  It's depressing.  I could sell a lot of it, keep the basic oboe and reed-making stuff and only play for myself.
10)  I don't want to teach band.  I really don't.  I love playing oboe, but I feel that it is a waste of money to make a career out of it.
11)  I could just be over-reacting to the let-down of the stress and excitement of the past five months.
12)  AWSO did not paint a nice reality for performers needing to survive on an income.

I love studying with my professor.  She is amazing and will push me to be the best I can.  I don't know if I'm cut out for this.  I am almost 25 and am starting to think of this now.  I'm so frustrated with myself.  For sure, I will do this semester.  If I still feel this way by the end of the semester, I may just drop out of grad school and become a secretary or go back to retail.  At McGill, I am super motivated to practice.  It is amazing, but as the list above suggests, I don't know if I want to pursue that anymore.  I'm not anything special and I should stop pretending that I am.  It is just selfish.

No comments:

Post a Comment